i want you to judge me.

(i think about writing you, i thought about calling you...)
some songs just do that to me. they make me crumble and retaliate and cry and question and love and love and love. jason mraz does that. and i just realized he was in my last post. oh, jason. you've got it goin' on.

i see it every second of every day. sex bubbles and froths and clings to my skin and everyone else's. i feel it in music, in the coming of spring. the sun is coming in through my window and leaving the red fleece blanket and my skin warm. i can feel it more than i can hear itunes.
i think "darkest love" jump, little children defines sex almost completely. yikes.

sex that involves pain is a taboo. most definitely. but we all have those very hidden parts (sometimes not so hidden) that want sex in ways that we could never talk about. i've gotten better about it. it changes with each partner. i realize as i write this that i've certainly had more sex than most of my friends. i see it in a different way. i always have. i don't try to figure out why that is or analyze my childhood to figure out the point when things detoured and took me somewhere else. it's how i think and i don't mind being judged for that. sex is always an exploration. an adventure that can be done alone or with someone else. you're allowing the defenses to be stripped away with each article of clothing. i let myself become vulnerable but not weaker. a misconception that seems to be common.
i don't seek power with every sexual experience that i can add to my list, just adventure. it's exciting in a ridiculous number of ways. like shoplifting. cheating. trying on new identities. it can be dangerous. it can be scary. adrenaline hits my lungs and pumps through the muscles and i know that i'm letting go, slowly or quickly. i can be held responsible for total pleasure of someone else? why would i disengage from such an honor? i can explore the different parts and measure in breaths and gasps the time before they are gone. sucked into the unknown realm of serious pleasure. serious pleasure.

letting someone else try to do that to me. giving them the pleasure of knowing that they can make me come. that's power. that's something that i relish. i thrive on that uncertainty, hope, worry, relief. there is nothing better. nothing better than feeling parts of her that most people will never know. the senses all come into play and i am completely drugged on her sex. i know the feeling of abdomen flexing, the brow beginning to dampen with sweat. the face muscles are out of control. she does not have control over the shape of her mouth, her lips open and close with surprise? anticipation. her eyes shut tightly but she wants to look and i want to see her eyes, watching me wanting her.

whether or not i am emotionally invested in the woman that i am fucking. whether or not our relationship goes beyond this period of time. that doesn't matter in the act because i am completely invested (as she is) in making the other feel everything that they can possibly feel. i may not say that i love her and put my arm around her torso as she falls asleep. but that has little to do with the sex that has just occurred.

it took me a long time to realize that i cannot be ashamed of loving sex. of wanting to engage in it with more than a few people over time. each time is a unique experience. both people are willing and wanting. so why wouldn't we use that to our advantage? we all love sex a little more than we realize.