there was a time when it fell into place

a time when it was you and the pieces fit. but that time is so far away from where we find ourselves now.

i enjoy writing on the computer. sometimes more so than writing on paper.

when does the matter of missing someone become insignificant? or can it? i think it depends on the circumstances of the missing. the longing. the wondering. i question myself so often that it's hard to keep track of what i mean and what i am trying to say. i like that, though. it gives room, cushioning for options.

when i was with you so much more made sense but i understood so little of what i'm taking in now.

i have options and that is a lot more than some people can say. we are lucky. is it that hard to remember? yes. i could point my feet in a different direction if i wanted to. or if i had the motivation.

lying on job applications and trying to make myself sound worthy enough for them to accept me is gross.

there is a new mad hot librarian lady that started here today.

you called last night and i smiled and i remembered that there will never be a time when you don't understand. in the midst of everything that was going on around me. voices were carrying and mixing and pushing at each other to get to the ears first. it was overwhelming to hear these over-excited voices grasping at random concepts that raced by their ears. grasping and then elaborating.

but. you called and that was good. black hair sitch must be elaborated.

i'm writing it out the easy way

-intense insomnia
- extraordinarily vivid dreams
- extreme confusion during waking hours
- intense fear of losing your sanity
-steady feeling of existing outside of reality as you know it
-memory and concentration problems
-an unconventional dizziness/vertigo
-the feeling of shocks, similar to mild electric ones, running the length of your body
-an unsteady gait
-slurred speech
-profuse sweating, esp. at night
-blurred vision
-breaking out in tears
-hypersensitivity to motion, sounds and smells
-decreased appetite/nausea/diarrhea/loss of appetite
-chills/hot flashes
-hallucinations/tremors
THE WINNER:
-semi-orgasmic state (esp. in women) to the point of irritation.
true story. like i wasn't ridicz before.

*good news. i'm not pregnant by mary fran...but withdrawal from my grand tons of paxil has made my life hellhellhell. and it's not getting better everyday. just worse. really.
*i hate this.

-i don't want to lose my sanity and i know that i'm not. but this is the absolute worst feeling ever.
-oh, and to help alleviate these symptoms i'm supposed to avoid all stressors. this means that i have to stop thinking about my lack of real job, lack of motivation for school to start, my ex-girlfriend dating a trashy ho that is my antithesis and my father seems to be doing everything in his power to upset me in every way possible. but that may just be the pax a lax speaking.
-also, lil wayne/weezy helps a lot.

you are where i am.

another series of hot vents opening in times of crisis. pushing out and drawing in. hot vents. cool tapes. your breath is a hot push on my neck. cross to the deep and search me now. touch my palms and press your lips onto skin.

I fell harder for them then I will for you. understand that. i tell you to be fair. but actually it is only to appease myself.

either way, you were going to fall through a plate glass window. you carry your fate with you. it’s not as simple as you’d like to think. I know you’d like me to think that I carry you with me, daily. this is false information.

spreading my hand and placing it flat on your abdomen, you told me that you'd never been sober in all of the times we'd had sex. i told you that you were a light weight. you didn't laugh. and what do i feel? guilty? should i question why that seems to always be the case?
so then how can you feel so drawn to this? attracted to the idea of these meaningless sexual encounters that are followed or begin with a peppering of psychotherapy to help you cope with your break up. i'm barely holding what i have intact, i can't do anything for you. but why can't you see that?

planet weezy

we are not the same.

i have nothing figured out right now. no organization whatsoever to this madness that is being thrown around day after day. but i am happy. i have let the ugly feelings and images slip away with each day and i love the people that i surround myself with.
i cannot say that my feelings match hers. i can't say that at all. she looks at me in a way that is oddly familiar. i remember looking into eyes and lips 4 years ago and feeling that intensity that she is pouring into me. i do not want her to waste it on me.
i know that no matter how i twist this or how this may (and inevitably will come to an end) i will come out looking like the one that caused hurt, breaking, anger. she will be angry because without my consciousness looking after me, these days i mix the signals and twist the meanings and tell you lies to make both of us feel better.
as therapeutic as i thought it might be, we have traveled a bit too far down a dangerous road and i know that it will cause hurt.
dolor. olor. pain. smell. we always have words.